the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Randomize
