I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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