We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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