i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
