why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
