I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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