my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
