Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
