I want you more than these girls want KFC
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
