Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
i now understand why vodka
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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