dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
