Someone shit on the floor
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
