you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
