i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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