i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
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