Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
