Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize