He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
