When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
