If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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