You really coming over, don't trick.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
