You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
