If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
