he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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