So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
