Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
And the cops told us we were all naked.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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