when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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