You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
