i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
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i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
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Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
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