i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
