i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
