I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Randomize
