I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize