Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
