You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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