dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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