for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I smell like Dick and happiness
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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