she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
