Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
