why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
