I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
