I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
