Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
