Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
