My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
