so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
The air was thick with penises
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Randomize
