its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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