Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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