please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
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