I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
i now understand why vodka
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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