I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Of course I have a pirate flag
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
