Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
