I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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