So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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