my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
