i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
