Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize