I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
