yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
