Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
