shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
