his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
